So I have had a shitty year so far health wise. Somehow I have gotten the flu twice, strep throat, bronchitis and last week my appendix thought, “Wow, that looks like fun!” and I needed an appendectomy last Wednesday night.

Say it wish me, “Holy health insurance!”

When I woke up this past Wednesday morning feeling AWFUL (it’s pain like no other) I texted my family, my broker (as I was supposed to sign my new lease that day) and the guy I was supposed to go out with for the first time. He and I had chatted a lot while I was home sick with the flu/bronchitis/strep. He seemed really sweet and smart. I wanted him to know that I wouldn’t make it out that night (not even realizing it was appendicitis at that point, btw). So here are the texts as the occurred:

Wednesday, Feb. 8th @ 10:11am
ME: “Hey— I can’t believe this but I am heading to the doctor’s office with a fever. I have no idea what the fuck is wrong and am completely frustrated. I have to cancel tonight… please don’t give up on me. I really have never been this sick before.”

His response… nothing. I text him the next day just to update him:

Thursday, February 9th, 10:51am
ME: “Hi. Emergency surgery yesterday. Appendix. Still in hospital.”

By the way, it hadn’t even been 12 hours since surgery but I wanted to make sure he knew that I wasn’t a flake.

His response: Silence.

So today, finally home and feeling back to my saucy-call-you-out-on-your-shit self, I text him and here’s what followed:

Saturday, February 11th, 4:26pm
ME: “Hello?”

4:32pm
HIM: “Hope u r well”

4:33pm
ME: “Healing. Why do I have the feeling you are irritated with me?”

4:35pm
HIM: “Nope heal up and let me know when u are 100%”

5:08pm
ME: “I have to admit I was surprised that I didn’t hear from you at all given how much we have talked in the past.”

5:11pm
HIM: “This is simple let me know when you are healthy. till then i wish you well but we have chatted enough.”

5:13pm
ME: “Yeah… we have chatted enough. Thank you for letting me see that as well.”

5:27pm
HIM: “Agree and i feel like you are either too sick for me to get involved with… I feel as if you have mental issues and are a game player… this is my last ounce of energy wasted on your game playing d-bag self.”

5:31pm
ME: “Holy shit. Wow. I have been 100% honest with you. Glad to see your cynical and insensitive true colors now. You are the piece of work in this scenario. Not me.”

And scene! Ladies, he’s still available! You should rush out and date him! But get your flu shot and be perfect, because otherwise you are a game playing d-bag. Never mind his obviously low self-esteem. Please, do no let that be an issue for you, because he’s just perfect otherwise.

If your user name has the words “donkey” or “hog” in it, I will not answer your email.

If your username is “ScarTissue,” not only are we never going to talk, I’m going to go ahead and block your damaged mental ass.